Don’t Talk to Strangers?

Don’t talk to strangers (the board game)

 

There used to be a board game when I was young called ‘Don’t Talk to Strangers.’ With the roll of a die, the winner and loser was determined almost entirely by luck, just like in ‘Snakes and Ladders,’ with just one small variation in which strategy or decision actually came into play. As you roll the die and make your way along the spaces though a small town, going past the mall, the school, and the video arcade, you are presented with two opportunites to take a ‘short cut,’ first through a playground, and then through a park. The short cut is ‘risky,’ because that path – although one space shorter – encompasses spaces like ‘miss a turn’ and ‘go back two spaces,’ whereas the conservative sidewalk along the street has no such negative consequences.

 

But why was it so dangerous to take a short cut and walk through the playground or the park? Because you might encounter a STRANGER there, and strangers are inherently dangerous. The purpose of this children’s game was evidently to teach you not to gamble or take unnecessary risks, and of course, never to talk to strangers.

 

I was nearly lured into a strange man’s car one day after I finished kindergarten. Rather than waiting for my dad to come pick me up, I decided I’d start walking home, when a man pulled up to the sidewalk and said, “Hey kid, do you like candy?” (What a stupid question.) “Yes,” I replied. “Do you like Reese Peanut Butter Cups?” he asked. This man must have been sent by the devil, because Reese Peanut Butter Cups were by far the best thing that had ever come into my life up until that point. It wasn’t even close. But I had also been told never to talk to strangers, and never to get into someone’s car I didn’t know. (This even included my soccer coach. My mom wasn’t thrilled about him giving me a ride home one day after practice).

 

Hmm. What a pickle this was. When I confirmed that the bait he was using to coax me into his car was in fact the best thing on earth, he said, “Hop in. I’ve got plenty of them.” Just then, before I had a chance to make this potentially life-altering decision (and I wasn’t about to make a good one), I heard the sound of my dad’s voice, and the guy sped off.

 

NOTE TO KIDNAPPERS: If you’d like to kidnap a youngster and sell them back to their parents, consider investing in a small bag of Reese Peanut Butter Cups. They are to a five-year old what an attractive young woman offering free sex with no strings attached is to a single, old man. The prefrontal cortex of our brain that is responsible for most rational thinking and long-term decision making is immediately turned off when presented with the opportunity to devour these mouthwatering chocolates.

 

But just as ‘don’t play with the stove,’ ‘don’t ride a skateboard in the street,’ and ‘don’t try to drive the car’ might be appropriate advice for a 5-year old but not a 16-year old, the ‘don’t talk to strangers’ instruction that is designed for our protectiveness also loses its usefulness at some stage, and it even starts to become a hindrance to our growth. Unfortunately, it’s not like we reach the age of twelve and then someone says, ‘Okay, now DO talk to strangers.’

 

Why must we talk to strangers?

 

Imagine if, as a young adult, you had just your immediate family and a small group of friends, and rarely if ever spoke to anyone else, only doing so when it was absolutely necessary. This kind of system can be quite appealing, especially to someone of a more introverted nature. But is it really possible to live this way, or would we feel like we’d be leaving something on the table?

 

First off, the ‘just me and my friends’ attitude or mindset doesn’t give us a chance to take advantage of other assets – and unutilized traits we’ve potentially inherited from our ancestors – that might be available to us if we just allowed ourselves to break out of our shell. When I first came to Korea, I had no intention whatsoever to learn the language. I thought I could just go to work, hang out with some of my co-workers (or not), exercise and work on my golf game, and for the most part just live in my own little bubble. But after just a week or two, I realized that almost nobody in this town spoke English, and in order to even just go play basketball at the university or join a soccer team, I was going to have to have the courage to introduce myself to people I didn’t know, and say, “Hey guys. Can I play?” And I didn’t want to look like the ignorant American (because I’m Canadian) who just does that in English and makes other people speak my language eventhough I’m in their country.

 

“Do you see people as enemies or comrades?”

                                                       – The Courage to be Disliked

 

In that book, which was written by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi, the authors suggest that we should sense a desire to share with our comrades, the ‘community feeling.’ This is easy when you stop someone to ask them for directions, or have something important to tell them, such as, “Hey man. Is it just me, or is that meteor headed straight for us?” But there are other times when you can share something you’ve noticed in your surroundings, or during a time when an unknown person nearby might be feeling (or thinking) the exact same thing you are. “Check out that full moon. It’s so pretty,” or “Can you believe that asshole just cut in line?” I even got a girl’s phone number once by pointing out that a frog had been hit by a car, and was now just becoming part of the pavement as more and more cars continued to flatten it into the road.

 

But the ‘don’t talk to strangers’ policy eliminates any chance of having these (often pleasant) interactions. Even if 97% of people are ‘good’ – or at least not criminals – and only 3% are ‘bad,’ by taking the conservative approach and protecting against the worst case scenario (which as an adult usually means trying to protect your ego), we miss out on a world of opportunities that would be available to us simply by venturing into the unknown.

 

How to ask the world for something you want or need

 

“Move forward out of love, rather than backward out of fear.”

                                                                    – The Four Agreements

 

One of the four agreements in this book, written by Miguel Ruiz, is to not take anything personally. By keeping this agreement, he says, you can ‘travel around the world with your heart completely open and no one can hurt you. You can say, “I love you,” without fear of being ridiculed or rejected.’ In other words, you can ask for what you need. But you must find your voice to ask for what you want. Everybody can tell you yes or no, but you always have the right to ask.

 

But how can you get rejected or turned down, and not take it personally? ‘If only I were taller, or more handsome, or had a nicer car… she would have liked me.’ You might be right. ‘If I were just a little smarter, or more qualified, or went to a more popular school… I would have gotten the job.’ Probably right about that one, too. And that’s exactly why there is no need to take anything personally.

 

Imagine if you went to an NFL football stadium, and somehow managed to work your way up to the owner’s box or the general manager’s office, and you walked in and said, “Hi. I’m Nick. And I’d like to apply for the position of quarterback for your football team.” (After buzzing his secretary to ask, “How did this guy get up here?”) He would probably say, “Well Nick. We’re not really looking for a new quarterback right now, but if we were, it would probably be someone a little more like Tom Brady we’d be after.” Would you take that personally? Of course not. You couldn’t possibly take that personally (unless you at least thought you were better than Tom Brady).

 

NFL football jobs notwithstanding, you can have the same attitude when you apply for a job you actually ARE qualified for. To find the job I have now – which gives me the chance to teach others the skills I’ve spent half my life trying to learn – I had to visit a hundred different places. I was like a teenage kid, driving around from one place to the next on a bike, asking for a job (except this time I did it on a motorcycle). The point is, 99 people told me ‘no.’ Many of them were nice, and a few of them were not. But I knew that I was going to walk into building, and either hear the word ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ And I also knew that if I could hear ‘no’ and not take it personally, I could continue to get knocked down again and again (even a hundred times) with no loss in enthusiasm, and eventually stumble on one ‘yes.’

 

We’re talkin’ bout practice

 

Okay. So don’t take anything personally. Sounds simple, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy. You have to make it a habit. Do things, in the unknown, where you might get hurt – and feel pain and suffering – but you are not attached to the pain. Why? Because the pain only lasts for five seconds. Not five days, or five years. Five seconds. And then, you can smile. You can usually even laugh about it. And sometimes, especially if it required overcoming a great deal of resistance, you can take pride in the effort itself, regardless of the outcome.

 

Never has this been more applicable than to the pursuit of romantic love or an intimate relationship. An unwillingness to wander into unfamiliar territory to find something you truly desire is almost certainly a recipe for a life that culminates in regret. It’s always better to let others reject you before you reject yourself, even during times when it feels like you’re ‘just not ready.’ And if there is somebody you already like, the second best thing that can happen is that you ask them out, and they say, “Well Nick. I’m not really looking for a new quarterback (I mean boyfriend) right now, but if I were, it would probably be someone a little more like Tom Brady I’d be after.”

 

Again, you need not take this personally, or even assume that this ‘no’ is a bad thing. You just got rejected by someone who is waiting for Tom Brady, so that was neither going to last long or end well. You are not responsible for the task of deciding whether or not someone is into you. That is totally up to them. Your only task is to ask for what you want, whether it’s a job, a relationship, or a bank loan. But you’re going to have to ask, and you’re probably going to have to ask a stranger.

 

Get used to talking to strangers (not the ones you encounter as a five-year old offering candy out of their car). And don’t be afraid to ask people for what you want, or at least for what you need. Most of the time, taking a short cut through the park or the playground is not as risky as you think. And you certainly won’t miss a turn or go back 2 spaces. If anything, it’s the other way around.