One of the first things you do in kindergarten (at least when I was a kid) is sit down at a table shared by other kids and draw a picture. The teacher gives everybody a piece of paper and puts a bunch of crayons in the center of the table, and tells them to draw a picture of their favorite thing in the world.
This exercise is great, for two reasons; 1) Most 5-year olds like to draw, and it’s a constructive activity that gives them a chance to use their imagination and creativity. (And every so often, a young Picasso emerges from the crowd). 2) They have to learn to share the crayons with each other. Kind and generous kids will likely have made a new friend by the end of the day, and thoughtless, selfish kids who refuse to share often learn the consequences of their actions.
I loved to draw just as much as if not more than the next kid, but the sharing part of the exercise often presented a problem. I was perfectly aware that the crayons were not ‘all mine,’ and totally cool with sharing the ones I wasn’t using. But if someone tried to rip a crayon out of my hands while I was coloring, I would bite them! I liked to bite the other kids, especially if one of them caused me to screw up my picture. And if someone wasn’t willing to share, even though I thought I’d asked nicely, I would also bite a kid who was hoarding crayons they weren’t using.
Me: “Hey, are you using the green?
Andrew: “Not right now, but I’m going to need it later.”
Me: “So can I use it until you need it?”
Andrew: “No.”
Me: BITE!
Although it was clear that I needed to get a grip on this urge to bite the other kids anytime they did something I didn’t like (I also bit a kid who kicked down a sick fort I made out of blocks, and another who was just drooling on the floor while he was taking a nap), at the same time, it was probably good for them to have me in their class. For those who had the good fortune of being sat at the same table as I, they were essentially drawing or coloring with a doberman that was ready to pounce any time they were caught stealing or hoarding crayons. You might even say I was playing the role of God (or at least Santa), punishing them for every wrongdoing. And while I doubt that few kindergarten teachers look forward to dealing with a biter everyday, mine can take pride in the fact that likely none of my classmates went on to become criminals. Though I’m not sure she deserves all the credit for it.
Adult pricks also get bit, but only if someone is willing to do the biting.
Unfortunately, the world is full of adults who were not in my kindergarten, and never learned the benefits of sharing or the consequences of stealing and selfishly hoarding. Sometimes when I’m at the gym on a busy day, there will be a guy using the lat pull-down machine (of which my gym has only one). Okay. That’s fine. I guess I’ll just start with bench today (also only one), but his water bottle is on the bench, with his towel hanging from the bar. “Hey man. Are you using this?” I’ll ask. “Ya buddy. That’s my stuff,” he says. So, without trying to be rude, sarcastic, or overly assertive, I respond by saying, “No. I wasn’t asking you if this was your stuff. I asked if you were USING it.” “Ya dude. I’m USING it! I’m doing supersets,” he retorts back.
For those of you who don’t know what a superset is, it’s when someone is coloring with the green crayon, and clenching the yellow with the other hand so as to not let anyone else use it, while several other kids stand there twiddling their thumbs. No, I don’t walk over to the guy and bite him in the middle of his set when this happens, at least not anymore. But I usually find a different way to teach guys like this the same lesson my 5-year old classmates learned in 1986. I have no problem asking people like this a simple, philosophical question, such as, “Why would life be like that, though? Why would it be cool for you to occupy two stations at once while one or several other people kill time? And I actually don’t even mind working in and out with you on the pull-down machine, so I’m not even asking you to stop doing your supersets.”
Contrary to what you might think, even if the guy is a monster nearly twice my size, a logical question like this rarely leads to any further confrontation. Rather, it forces the other person to think more carefully about what they’re doing, and consider the fact that they’re not the only person on this earth (or in this gym). Sticks and stones can break their bones, but words can totally destory them. If nothing else, it at least has the effect of forcing them to climb down from the place that has them thinking they’re above everyone else. To be honest, they’d probably rather you just bite them.
All biting aside, I’d like to think that this part of my childhood has stayed with me. I think that most people, in an effort to avoid unnecessary confrontation, are too willing to let egocentric schmucks like this get away with their unacceptable behavior. They think, ‘probably best to just sit this one out. I guess I just won’t do back today.” Or, “maybe I’ll be a little late for work. It’s no big deal.” But I don’t think this cowardly cop out slips through the cracks in your subconscious mind. This is why a week, a month, or a year later, you end up having a dream about that selfish jerk from the gym killing your grandpa and kidnapping your whole family, and then using both the bench and the lat pull-down machine while you stand there and do nothing.
Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for some of the other early character traits I wish I’d been able to hang on to. Many of them got ‘socialized’ out, and it wasn’t until my 30’s and 40’s that I realized they needed to be integrated back in.
To conform, or to individualize?
Many of the rules and values that are deemed acceptable by our education system, government, and society as a whole are quite detremental to the individual. Furthermore, as we make our way through childhood, several of our most individualistic traits are removed from our character by parents, teachers and other adults who try to impose their authority on us. What’s best for us and our desire to express ourselves and flourish in our own unique way is not congruent with what’s best for THEM and their capacity to control us and regulate our behavior. Consequently, these traits, which are potential character strenths that can be utilized later in life at a time when they’re needed, get squandered away. What we end up with is a dog with no bite. A controllable version of ourselves that can be trusted to behave in an ‘acceptable’ way. But whose idea of acceptable is it? It’s certainly not our own.
I’m going to suggest a few things that seem to get socialized into and out of people as they grow up. Quite often, just as our little personality quirks, opinions, nuances and individual traits are starting to turn us into who we are, someone comes along and tells us we’re ‘not allowed’ to do something. We’re not just encouraged to follow the herd, we are also forced to. But with a number of the ‘lessons’ we learn in our youth about moral standards of behavior (even the ones that seem totally virtuous), we also indirectly take away from them a coinciding viewpoint or attitude that is destructive to our future selves. Here are a few of the original values and rules that are imposed on us, with a potential corresponding indirect lesson that gets socialized into our identity.
Rules/Values/Behaviors Potential Indirect Takeaway
Don’t fight Don’t stand up for yourself
Don’t do anything dangerous Don’t try to be brave
Don’t say anything offensive, ever Lie
Don’t talk to strangers Never, ever approach a girl and ask her out
Show your work (math) Don’t try to do math calculations in your head
Pretend not to see race Fail to recognize and acknowledge the strengths that
certain individuals from different racial and ethnic
groups have, or at least ignore them
Always say excuse me if you bump into When you ride the subway in Seoul or Beijing, assume
someone, or have to walk between two that 25 million people are all rude, and you are the
people having a conversation, only polite one. Then, feel free to think that you are
because it’s rude not to better than all of them
(Here are a few sports related ones, just for good measure)
No tackle football Don’t learn how to tackle
No throwing snowballs Don’t learn how to throw
No diving catches Don’t learn how to make diving catches
No swimming Don’t learn how to swim, and don’t learn
how to use discetion and decide for yourself whether
or not something is too dangerous
As you can see, the key is not to take the bite out of the dog. It would just turn out to be a pet that gets kicked in the face when a burglar robs your house. Instead, the dog needs to learn WHO to bite, and WHO NOT TO. It needs to learn when it’s appropriate to show it’s teeth. Not have all it’s teeth removed.
Think back to your childhood. When and how were some of your teeth removed? It’s not important who was responsible (I’m not talking about your dentist). The important thing is whether or not a part of your spine was removed along with your teeth. I’m not suggesting that you bite all the kids who steal your crayons, or all the guys at the gym who hog the machines. But I’m not convinced that the ‘right’ thing to do in the situation is to ‘raise your hand and tell the teacher,’ either. Because you can’t tell the teacher when you’re 26. Consider some of the character strengths that were socialized out of you when you were young, and if you think they could be valuable or put to good use, try to find a few new ways to intergrate them back into your life.